


oh what fun it is

by platonic_boner



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (on Uther's part), Christmas, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Modern Era, Uther Pendragon's A+ parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 07:19:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16970220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/platonic_boner/pseuds/platonic_boner
Summary: In which Arthur and Merlin somehow completely mess up a very simple fake boyfriend scheme.





	oh what fun it is

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thanks to [ironic_boner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironic_boner/pseuds/ironic_boner) for betaing <3

Merlin drops a very thick stack of files onto Arthur’s desk, with no regard for the papers he scatters or for the brief nap Arthur may have been taking. Arthur opens his eyes and glares at him.

Merlin promptly mollifies him by handing him a large, steaming hot coffee.

“Those’re all the year-end reports,” Merlin says. “You have to sign them and then give them to Morgana. I’d forge them, but she’s weirdly good at catching me. Also, I finished your Christmas shopping - although I think it ruins the Christmas spirit when you don’t do the work yourself - and if you see any suspicious charges on your card, you should definitely just ignore those.”

“Great. And?”

“And what?”

“Have you come up with an excuse to get me out of the company holiday party?”

“Noooo,” Merlin says.

“But?” 

“But Morgana said we both had to be there or she’ll send me to the mailroom for the entirety of January.”

Arthur smirks. “Doesn’t sound so bad.”

“And replace me with George.”

Arthur winces. “Have you at least come up with a way to stop Father from commenting on my love life the entire time, like last year?”

“You mean, your _lack_ of a love life?” Merlin asks, smirking. 

Arthur lets that slide - he probably deserved it for suggesting he’d send Merlin to the mailroom.

“I suppose ousting your sister as CEO isn’t an option?” Merlin says.

Arthur makes a face. “I just helped her oust Father a few years ago. The shareholders wouldn’t like another sudden change so soon.”

Also, Morgana’s the best thing that’s happened to this company in decades, and Arthur doesn’t _want_ to be CEO. Except maybe for the next week, so he can decide for himself that he’s not going to the damn party.

“Then have you considered bringing a date?” Merlin asks.

“As you _just_ pointed out, I have no love life,” Arthur says. “Who would I bring?”

Merlin shrugs. “There’re lots of options on Craigslist.”

“Are you serious?” Arthur asks.

“I was thinking of doing it myself!” Merlin says. “I mean, Gwen and Lance are still being really weird around me because they think Lance is breaking my heart by dating one of my best friends, even though it’s been almost a _year_ since we broke up, so I thought bringing someone to the party to prove I’ve moved on could help.”

“And you found someone on _Craigslist_.”

“Well, not yet! But I _will_ ,” Merlin says, defensively. 

Arthur considers it. “Fine,” he says. “Fake boyfriends it is.”

“Fine,” Merlin agrees. “I’ll find you someone, then?”

“Don’t be stupid, Merlin,” Arthur says, rolling his eyes. If they _both_ need fake boyfriends, there’s no point in turning to Craigslist over it. Fake-dating Merlin is obviously preferable to some stranger; aside from the obvious advantage that he knows Merlin won’t embarrass him - too badly - there’s also the fact that Morgana won’t mock him for lying, because she’ll believe he’d date Merlin.

Because Arthur’s had a crush on him for years.

Merlin salutes him, and Arthur starts to grin, glad they’ve got that sorted out.

*

“Who,” Arthur demands, “is _that_?”

The man who’s got his arm around Merlin is gorgeous, despite the best efforts of his hideous Christmas sweater to make him uglier. Long, luscious hair frames a handsome face and a charming smile.

Did Merlin find a real date and replace Arthur? Arthur tries his best not to glare at the man, despite that he’s stealing Merlin away.

For tonight, that is. Because Merlin isn’t Arthur’s to steal, other than that.

“This is Gwaine,” Merlin says. 

Arthur raises his eyebrows inquiringly.

Merlin leans in to speak quietly. “He’s my fake boyfriend! Where’s yours?”

“What do you mean?” Arthur demands. “ _You’re_ supposed to be my fake boyfriend!”

“That’s not what you said!” Merlin objects. “You said nothing of the sort! You were going to get a date off of Craigslist.”

“No, I said we weren’t going to do something stupid like that!” Arthur says.

“No offense taken,” Gwaine says easily, smiling distractingly again.

“Well, sor- _ry_ ,” Merlin says. “But you should’ve been clearer.”

“I guess so,” Arthur says. “ _Now_ what am I supposed to do about Father?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Gwaine says. “There’s plenty of me to go around.”

Arthur blames Gwaine’s grin for the fact that neither he nor Merlin object to that. They’re both momentarily too dazzled to speak, and then it’s too late.

“Arthur!” Uther says, and Arthur turns around slowly to meet his father.

“Hello,” Arthur says.

“Hello again, Uther,” Merlin says, sending Arthur a pointed look. Arthur gets what he’s trying to say: Merlin’s already encountered Uther this evening, and presumably introduced Gwaine as his boyfriend. There’s no faking this.

Uther makes a point of peering around him to either side. “I heard from Morgana you have a .... partner now.”

Arthur’s about to craft an absent partner based on someone from Grey’s Anatomy - even if it means he can never complain at Merlin again for getting him addicted to the show, a surgeon is respectable, and saving lives is an excuse to miss a party that even Uther has to accept. But he doesn’t have time, because Gwaine’s giving a little wave.

“That’s me,” he says.

Uther’s gaze tracks between Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin in complete confusion.

Arthur wonders if it’s too late for a story about Gwaine actually being two identical twins who never appear in the same room at the same time.

Gwaine laughs. “I should say, that’s _us_. We’re Arthur’s boyfriends.”

Yeah. Definitely too late.

“Boyfriends. _Boyfriends_?” Uther hisses the ‘s’ like he’s pretending to be a snake.

“Exactly,” Gwaine says, sliding an arm around Arthur. His hands finds purchase on Arthur’s waist as confidently as if he does this all the time.

Arthur looks at him in wide-eyed alarm.

“Right, baby?” Gwaine asks, sending Arthur a look that suggests Gwaine is _not_ impressed with Arthur’s acting skills.

On the other side of Gwaine, and still with Gwaine’s other arm around his shoulders - something Arthur’s no longer jealous about, although he’s not sure how to categorize what he _is_ feeling - Merlin looks back at Arthur with nearly as much horror as Arthur feels.

And that’s _before_ Gwaine turns and leans in to kiss Arthur.

To Gwaine’s credit, he hesitates before he actually reaches Arthur’s lips. Rather than actually kissing a complete stranger, he lets Arthur choose whether to lean forwards the last inch or not. Or, in other words, whether he lets his father think that he’s in a polyamorous relationship, or that he chickened out on faking said polyamorous relationship at the last second.

Arthur’s not a chicken.

Gwaine starts out kissing him sweetly, chastely, but what the hell. Arthur steps closer to Gwaine. He bites Gwaine’s lower lip gently, Gwaine’s mouth opens a little, and chasteness goes by the wayside.

“That’s _quite_ enough,” Uther says, sharply.

Arthur pulls back. Gwaine grins at him, and Arthur can’t help but return it. He remembers Merlin’s still standing there, and looks over for his reaction. Merlin’s expression is stunned, but what catches Arthur’s eye is that Gwaine’s arm is still around him.

For some reason, Arthur really likes the idea that Gwaine was holding Merlin the entire time he was kissing Arthur. 

“Arthur!” Uther snaps.

At some point during the last minute, Arthur completely turned his back on his father. He reluctantly turns around now.

“This is completely inappropriate,” Uther says. “It’s -”

“I don’t recall asking your opinion on my life choices, or on my boyfriends, Father,” Arthur says, very coolly. Even as he speaks, he’s not sure where that voice is coming from, or what he’s going to say next. “What’s inappropriate is that you would speak to me like that, especially in front of them. Excuse us.”

Arthur puts a hand on the small of Gwaine’s back and gently pushes, steering him away from Uther. Gwaine moves and brings Merlin along.

They retreat from Uther until they’re far out of earshot. Gwaine breaks the silence.

“Oh my God,” he says. “Please tell me that guy was a priest.”

“What the _fuck_?” Merlin says, with feeling.

“Arthur just called him ‘Father’!” Gwaine says. “I’d rather have done that in front of his priest than his _dad_.”

There’s nothing else to do: Arthur breaks out laughing.

“I’ll take that as confirmation on the dad thing,” Gwaine says, patting Arthur on the back. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Arthur says, catching his breath. It’s weirdly true, actually. He’s never told Uther off before, but it’s _freeing_. He should’ve done this ages ago. Well, not this _specifically_ , just in general.

He realizes he’s been leading their small group towards the doors, and even if he’s been at this party less than half an hour, he definitely wants to go.

“If I deal with Morgana, do you want to leave?” he asks Merlin.

“Sure,” Merlin says. “But I’m not sure how you’re going to do that.”

Arthur pulls out his phone. “Easy.”

He sends Morgana two texts. The first is simply, _I’m leaving_.

The second is, _If you send Merlin to the mailroom, I’ll never tell you why Father thinks I’m in a polyamorous relationship with Merlin and a man I met ten minutes ago._

He shows Merlin. “Dealt with.”

Merlin grins. “Then let’s get out of here.”

*

Outside, it’s starting to snow a little. Gwaine beams up at the sky. “Where to now, boyfriends?”

“You do recall you’re just a fake boyfriend, right?” Arthur asks.

“Am I?” Gwaine says. “I thought it stopped being fake around the time you stuck your tongue in my mouth.”

“You stuck your _tongue_ in his mouth?” Merlin demands, indignantly.

Wait, what does Merlin have to be indignant about?

“Relax,” Gwaine says. “I’m sure he’d stick it in yours, too.”

Merlin looks at Arthur.

Arthur feels himself blush as he says, hesitantly, “I mean, yeah.”

“Oh,” Merlin says. “Well, that’s all right, then.”

Gwaine looks back and forth between them. “Are you waiting for me to get you some mistletoe, or what?”

Merlin grabs Arthur’s coat and tugs him in. Arthur eventually manages to wipe the smile off his face enough to kiss properly, and he kisses Merlin until - despite the fact that Merlin’s hands are both fisted in Arthur’s jacket - someone grabs his ass.

Judging by Merlin’s yelp, Gwaine groped him as well.

“Come on, boyfriends,” Gwaine says. “One of you can buy me hot chocolate.”

“Sure. It’s on me,” Merlin says, pulling out a credit card.

“That is _mine_ ,” Arthur says, and lunges for it.

Gwaine blocks him, and Merlin starts running, and then Arthur… is chasing his boyfriends down the street in the snow, laughing.


End file.
